I have a little friend who comes to play at my house each week while his parents are at work. We have a grand time playing with Mr. Potato Head, coloring with markers, reading books, but probably the most fun we have is running around and exploring outside.
My little buddy is quite stealth. He waits for an opportunity when I may get distracted with my garden or the dog and off he goes exploring. The other day he quickly headed behind the shed, I discovered him just about the time he reached out to steady himself. Unfortunately he grabbed at a piece of metal roofing and sliced his finger. I scooped up little man and we scurried up to the house. As I washed his finger and applied pressure to the bleeding wound, he alternated from sobbing, to fighting; he wanted to get away from me because I was hurting him. After what seemed like hours I got a bandage on the finger and the bleeding was contained. Little man would hold his finger in the air, look at the bandage and say in the most heart wrenching voice “I dunno what happen?” I would reply “You cut your finger on a piece of metal.” He would play for a few minutes then hold his finger in the air, look at the bandage and say “I dunno what happen?” I would tell him again, “You cut your finger on a piece of metal.” He would look at his finger for a bit; “But I dunno what happen?” How I wanted him to understand that it was a cut, the pain would eventually go away and the wound would heal. I didn’t want him to hurt, I would take the hurt if I could, but the cut was there and he would have to live with the pain until it healed.
After I put little man down for his nap, I was transported back to a time when I suffered a pain I couldn’t understand. My heart would cry out “I dunno what happen?”
I came home from work one spring afternoon, as I drove into my driveway a car pulled up behind me, the Pastors and their wives from the church I attended spilled out of the car and told me to go inside the house. MyBoy and my MayBaby were home from school, Jobird was still at the sitter’s. I was escorted into our livingroom, and told my husband was dead. He had died of a heart attack on a business trip. I began to argue. It was said again, “Randy is dead, he died of a heart attack in his sleep.” As my world began to crumble, my heart cried “I dunno what happen?”
My parents and family began coming from Montana and Oregon, I would tell them Randy died, but my heart was crying “I dunno what happen?” MyBoy asked me what was going to happen, how was life going to change. I told him we would figure it out together, and my heart would cry “I dunno what happen?” The coroner called to tell me my husband had undetected heart disease, and died peacefully. My heart cried out “I dunna what happen?” Myboy, 13 had questions; and my heart cried out. My MayBaby, 11 missed her Daddy; and my heart cried out. My JoBird, 6 was forgetting her daddy, and it scared her and my heart cried out “But I dunno what happen!!”
I was told, “Randy, had a heart attack”, I had the report, the proof…but my heart didn’t know if the pain would ever cease. My soul didn’t know if it would heal. I wanted to take the pain for my children but I wasn’t sure I could absorb any more. I wanted the hurt to end, I wanted the life I had and Randy back.
Over and over my heart cried out to God “I dunno what happen?” Then one day He reminded me of the words Randy once spoke when asked about the loss of our daughter:
“When I trust in God, no matter how hard, no matter how painful, no matter how much it just stinks at times, on the other side it’s a beautiful place. God has a better place for you to stand. It may be a long ways from here, it may take a long time to get there. It eventually comes because He is just and faithful.”